For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you ~ Jeremiah 29:11-12
“But isn’t it good that God doesn’t allow us to stay stagnant? He has better plans in mind for us” – surrendering to Him and welcoming His transformation is something I did just before we got pregnant with Theo.
The week we found out we were pregnant, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Now, for the past several months, every time I took a pregnancy test, I prepared for the negative but tried to stay positive. It was getting harder as each month went by with another negative. When it happened this time, I was devastated. I KNEW I was pregnant, but this test clearly showed the opposite. This time, I let myself accept the possibility that we would never get pregnant again, and let myself grieve. I cried hard that night, just letting all of the emotions out that I had been keeping off to the side. In order for me to really accept this possibility, I knew I had to grieve first, so I did.
When my husband, Nic, found me (I had gone upstairs and never came back), he said he wasn’t worried at all. “God has a plan for us, we just need to wait for his timing”. He left for Oklahoma the next day. That night, I was reading my study Bible and the lesson for that day was surrender. It talked about surrendering your heart and soul to God in order to accept what He has planned for you. I started praying really hard and surrendered my heart to Him, giving Him everything and being ready to accept whatever He had for me. The next day, a close friend convinced me to take another pregnancy test at work. That one was positive ❤️ I spent the rest of the day thanking God for this blessing, and acknowledging that His timing is always perfect.
I didn’t realize how powerful it could be to surrender yourself to the Lord until that moment. And seeing that positive test made me that much more appreciative of being able to have another child and cherish the pregnancy, despite all the complications.
Throughout my pregnancy, I felt a continuing sense of peace and contentment. I knew that no matter what happened, my baby would be ok. God told me that he would be healthy and strong; he was a gift for our family, a blessing. We liked the name Theodore because we wanted a strong, resilient name. But Theodore also means gift from God. What better name to pick than one that states exactly what he means to our family?
This pregnancy certainly had its share of complications. I passed out after a shower when I was about 20 weeks pregnant, which led to an early test and diagnosis of gestational diabetes. I learned a lot about how sugars affect your body, what a proper diet should consist of, and how easily glucose levels can change. I worked hard to maintain a strict diet, but it didn’t feel difficult. I knew God’s hand was in this struggle, and that helped me stay focused and disciplined. I am grateful that I was able to learn more about what affects our bodies and how to keep them healthy; it is a lesson I still utilize. Gestational diabetes is a term many are familiar with; however, what many may not know, is that having this diagnosis opens the door to other complications as your pregnancy progresses. Just what you wanted: more fun right?! On top of dealing with feeling nauseous and dizzy if you eat one wrong food, you have to be hyper aware of other changes in your body so you can, hopefully, catch other issues early. Now, I’m not saying that gestational diabetes directly caused any of my other issues. But for those who may have, or have had gestational diabetes, you may have a higher chance of having other issues. Does that mean you need to stay home and live in fear? Absolutely not! Just be aware of changes within your body, and if something doesn’t feel right, ask about it! Follow your intuition because, in all seriousness, it could be the Holy Spirit telling you something isn’t right.
It had been a few weeks and I finally felt like I had some control back in my life. When you are pregnant, your baby immediately becomes your priority and you sacrifice everything else to make sure they are healthy. You want to eat right, drink more water than you think is humanly possible, take your prenatals religiously, and channel all of the calmness you can so you don’t add any extra stress. If you are someone who likes to control their circumstances, like myself, growing another human makes you want to reach a whole other level, a new high score, of control. It can become a competition with your inner self: look at how well I can manage my pregnancy, look at how perfectly I am handling it. Do those thoughts sound familiar? Thankfully, God is patient and gently reminds us that we are not perfect, nor should we strive to be.
My sugars were staying under control and I felt good, like second trimester good (mothers, you know what I mean!). I had even figured out how to satisfy my sweet tooth without getting my sugars out of control. Not going to lie, I felt pretty confident and thought I had solved one of life’s mysteries. Then, in Godly fashion, I was quickly humbled and reminded that I, in fact, cannot control everything. I was sitting at my desk, trying to stay off my feet as much as possible (you know, perfectly channeling my inner calm), when I started to feel…off. I couldn’t figure out what it was, but something just didn’t feel right. Pretty soon I could feel one cheek getting hot, then the other. Then I started to feel nauseous. My first thought was, great, I ate something wrong and my sugars were off. But I checked my glucose levels and they were normal. Ok, maybe it’s just a sugar flare up (look at me making up my own diagnosis). The nausea got worse, and my cheeks felt hotter by the minute. I went to the restroom and they were as red as they felt. So I texted my friend, who is also a nurse, and explained my symptoms. She told me I need to check my blood pressure and temperature right away. Since I managed a medical clinic, I walked a few short steps to the nurse station – of Cardiology, ironically – and asked if someone could check my blood pressure and temperature. The staff took one look at me and quickly grabbed what they needed. You know it’s serious when they stop mid-conversation to check your blood pressure! I don’t remember what my temperature was, but I do remember my blood pressure: 154/90. I was told to lay down and they would check it again in five minutes…it was 160/100. Off to OB I went! After resting in OB for about an hour, I was sent home. Thankfully, my blood pressure went down on its own and we chalked it up to a random spike. This happens sometimes, and I was told that with gestational diabetes, complications can continue to make their appearance and increase as you progress through pregnancy.
A couple more weeks went by and I started having weekly ultrasounds and non-stress tests, the usual addition that comes with gestational diabetes. In perfect Godly fashion, my overwhelming sense of peace continued and I enjoyed seeing our little guy every week. It was a special weekly check in, where he reassured me he was ok and I was able to see the adorable button nose that I couldn’t wait to lay eyes on in person! Everything was going just as I had planned and prayed – another wonderful reminder of how God keeps his promises and is our ultimate Protector. I bet you can guess what happened next. Yes, God also took another opportunity to humbly remind me that He is in control and to place all trust in Him.
I was in the middle of another weekly stress test, this one being the day before Thanksgiving. As I was listening to the monitor track my son’s fetal heartbeat, the nurse walked in and asked if I realized I was having contractions. At that moment I became more aware of a light cramping, a feeling that had been going on during the test but I hadn’t paid attention to. I wasn’t surprised, because the week before another nurse made the same comment. A few minutes later, the contractions stopped and all was well. This time, the contractions weren’t stopping. But they weren’t getting worse either. I was told to rest and drink a lot of water, the theory being I could be a little dehydrated (as mentioned before, you drink more water than you think is humanly possible while pregnant!) So I headed home, where my husband was waiting with two big tumblers already filled with water. I was given clear instructions, “Drink both of these while sitting on the couch and resting, and don’t do anything else. I am not ready for him to come yet.” (I still get a good chuckle at these words! If only he knew then what we know now.)
Nic went to Bloomington with his dad and our daughter, Quinn. He offered to stay home and I told him to go. Nothing to worry about here! I was convinced that drinking water and resting would make the contractions go away. (Again with the chuckling. If I only knew then what we know now!)
A couple of hours went by and I heard someone open our back door, quickly followed by the hound barking of our dog, letting me know someone was here. My mother-in-law walked in to check on me. More accurately, she said, “I was cleaning house in preparation for Thanksgiving and all of a sudden, I just stopped. I had a strong feeling that I needed to come check on you. How are you doing?” I told her it was funny she should have that feeling, because my contractions were not going away. They were getting more intense and I was getting ready to call OB when she walked in. (God’s timing right??) She stayed with me while I called OB. I was told to come back right away. Thankfully my mother-in-law was there to drive me! I tried calling my husband, then my father-in-law to explain that I was heading to the hospital and “Nic should probably meet me there just in case. But there’s no rush and it’s not a big deal, take your time. I’ll probably just be monitored and given medicine to stop the contractions.” (I find it funny, yet humbling, that I continued to assume my own outcome.)
Nic made it to the hospital a few minutes after we did. I was already in a gown and had vitals taken. I remember needing to go to the bathroom. After sitting back on the bed, it happened. Mothers, you know what. That “whoosh”. I looked at Nic and my MIL, “either I went to the bathroom again or my water broke”. The next few seconds were almost comical, although they may not agree. I watched both of their eyes get wide, and both quickly went into the hall to call a nurse. A quick check with a pH strip confirmed that my water had, in fact, broken.
Our doctor came in and explained our options. We could deliver there, but if Theo’s lungs weren’t developed enough, he would be transferred without me (remember, this was 5 weeks early). It had already been decided that this would be a C-section, so I would spend 24-48 hours without him. Or, we could transfer now. If he needed more care, I would already be at the same hospital and could stay with him. Now, I had been praying since my water broke. I had been praying before, but I started intentionally asking God to guide our decisions. It was clear: I would deliver at this hospital. If Theo needed to transfer, I may not be with him but God would. And He kept reminding me that he would be ok. Nic and I looked at each other and knew; we told the doctor that I am staying. It needed to be THIS doctor that delivered Theo. He was our OB for a reason and this was it.
Fast forward a few minutes and I was prepped and ready for the OR. If you’ve never had a C-section before, here’s a visual: you are laying on a table with both arms out. There’s a sheet in front of you, blocking your view from the lower half of your body, which you can’t feel anyway. Once they get started, you feel pressure and tugging but that’s it. There I was, still praying. I was telling God that I trusted Him completely. I remembered being told through the pregnancy that Theo would be strong, resilient, and healthy. That had not changed, because God keeps His promises. So I was telling God that I trusted him, even then, and that I knew Theo would be ok. I prayed that my doctors would do their best work and have His protection, and that the delivery would go quickly. That’s when I heard it. “Rupture” – I didn’t know the context. But I definitely heard that word clearly. Even though I couldn’t feel anything, I knew the pace had quickened. So I continued praying. Well, I did say I wanted the delivery to go quickly! The start time was 5:04pm, Theo was born at 5:17pm. 6lbs, 5oz, 18.5 inches long. A beautiful, healthy baby boy.
If we had decided to transfer before delivery, it is unclear whether or not we would have made it before rupturing. I could have been in an ambulance and ruptured, or just entering a new hospital. Just the thought of taking a risk to travel to another hospital (which would have been at least 45 minutes)…well. Thank you Lord for telling us to stay!
They checked Theo’s sugars right away, levels were in the 60’s. Gestational diabetes is a wild thing! I couldn’t believe he was back to normal that quickly. As they were checking other things, they noticed his breathing wasn’t normal. A quick chest x-ray confirmed what we were warned about: there was a hole in his lung because it wasn’t fully developed, so it was collapsed. More quick work to connect him to all of the tubes and machines he needed, and he was set up to keep fluid out of his lungs and breathe normally (for the most part). Our doctor said he was working on a transfer to Peoria’s NICU so Theo could get the treatment he needed until his lung healed. We just had to wait for their transport team to arrive from Peoria, which is about 90 minutes away.
While the transfer process was going on, Nic and his mom were deciding if she should go to Peoria with him or stay with me. After calling my parents, we decided that Nic and his mom would go to Peoria. My mom had been pacing her kitchen for the last couple of hours, and I am fairly certain she would have driven to us no matter what I said. My parents were on their way before I hung up the phone.
Now, during the time between my water breaking and delivering Theo, my dad was driving home from work. He received notification after notification as I was updating my parents and sisters (through our group chat). Since this was 5 weeks before my due date, he thought we were just sharing photos and stories. When he arrived home, he found my mom pacing back and forth, gripping her phone and checking for updates. That was when he was filled in on the situation. I called soon after and they decided to drive to me. I would not be surprised if my mom had bags packed and already in the car when I called! That is why I said they were likely on their way before I hung up.
While my parents drove, the transfer process for Theo continued. The transport team arrived and got him hooked up to their machines. At this point, I had not held Theo and neither had Nic. Once they had him hooked up, I was wheeled into the nursery and held him for a few minutes. I saw him up close, but my vision was quickly blurred with tears. I had been calm until this moment, “eerily calm” according to our doctor. Now, I knew Theo would be ok. God had him in His hands and had been telling from the beginning of this pregnancy that all would be fine. But, seeing your baby hooked up to tubes and machines and watching a nurse stand there pushing a syringe every few seconds to make sure he can breathe correctly is…overwhelming to say the least. Combine that with knowing you are powerless to help and accepting that the only person who can truly watch over him is our Lord and Savior, and you end up with uncontrollable tears. I did my best to memorize every part of his face and body while I held him. Filled with worry about what he would have to suffer while his lung healed, while also praising God for keeping him alive, I just cried and looked at him.
At this point it had been about two hours since I spoke to my parents. I was wheeled back to my room so they could continue getting Theo prepped, where my parents had just arrived and were waiting for me. Once Theo was ready, they wheeled him in so we could say goodbye. He was in his own little incubator, staring at all of us and taking in his family. After a few minutes, the transport team headed out and so did Nic and his mom. They all made it to Peoria safely. I received a call from the nurse about two hours later letting me know Theo was safely “tucked into” his room in the NICU and doing great. She also told me he spent the entire transport glaring at her; eyes wide open, staring intensely. “Most babies sleep the whole ride, but he was wide awake and making sure I knew he was watching.” All I could think was, we were warned about his resilience and strength!
We spent the next four days in the NICU before being discharged home. Theo’s lung had healed and he was proving that at 35 weeks and 4 days, he was strong and resilient. As we headed home, I prayed for the families who still had babies in the NICU. I prayed for peace and healing, and that they would lean on God and know that He was there. He was right next to them, always present, always at their side and in the middle of the struggle with them. Just like He was for us.
We made it home, where Quinn finally held her baby brother and gave him all the love she could give. About a week later, I went back to the hospital because of a blood pressure spike. I was sent home the same day, and everyone has been healthy and thriving ever since.
God showed up in so many faithful, and encouraging ways. If there is anything you take from this, I pray that it is TRUST. Trust in the Lord because He will never leave you. I don’t know what season of life you are in, but I do know that He is right there with you ❤️
