My journey to making a career change and choosing to serve God first has not been a quick one. I want to share some journal entries that span from June 2023 to the present.
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. ~ Romans 8:25
Journal Entry from June 2023:
As I sit in this porch swing, looking at the beautiful view of the trees and pond from our cabin we have rented, I find myself reflecting on my job. Why do I work at a hospital? Why have I agreed to manage multiple clinics? But most importantly, why do I allow myself to think about work when I am on vacation, enjoying the wondrous view while my husband and daughter are at ease, perfectly peaceful? My mind is restless. No, my SPIRIT is restless. Something doesn’t feel right, hasn’t felt right in a long time. I came to the realization today that it’s because I have been asking myself, “Why do I do the work that I do?” I didn’t know I was asking this question. It always came up in different forms: stress when there’s a difficult situation, the fact that these situations continue and feel like they are increasing. The fact that I asked God to reveal what I should do regarding my job as the new year began, somehow understanding that my spirit wasn’t right, and yearning for a resolution. My “aha!” moment so I could finally feel some relief.
“Why do I do the work that I do?” It’s not just the question that bothers me, but the answer. A truly honest, transparent answer is, “Because it pays well, because I wanted to have an impact on people’s lives. Because I wanted to be an advocate for employees in healthcare. Because I wanted to be a mother, wife, sister, daughter that family can look up to and admire.”
Did any of those answers have to do with God? Anyone can read this and know the answer to this question.
Then I think, WOW. So what am I doing? If I am trying to be the best servant, glorify God, praise Him and share the Gospel and my belief in Jesus, our Lord and Savior…am I accomplishing that with my current job? A job that consumes my life? When I come home from work, there are a lot of nights where I am still thinking about work. Even on this vacation, my mind has been focused on work. And as hard as I think I am trying, I am not separating it. Sure, I still enjoy evenings and weekends with my family. I am still present and have even physically left my phone in another room. But there it still lingers.
Some people call that ambition. Some people call that commitment. What do I call it? A fatal distraction, one that will destroy my spirit if I do not do something about it. Because it is a distraction from serving God, from worshipping and glorifying Jesus and sharing the good word. From being able to be the Christian, God-fearing, God-loving, woman that I know I am called to be.
I have been blessed with so much. I have a loving family, supportive friends, the best home church, a wonderful Godly husband, beautiful daughter, and a baby boy on the way. We have a warm and loving home, can put food on the table every night, enjoy luxuries like vacations and weekend trips, and provide for ourselves financially. So many blessings! So what I am doing to show God and Jesus how thankful I am for that? Because right now, I’m thinking about work. About how stressed I am.
I pray a lot. Every day. And I try to praise God daily. Thank Him for the blessings I have been given, thank Jesus for saving all of us and allowing us to have right relationship with God, so that I can pray to Him every day. I ask how I can be more obedient, a better servant. I ask Him to reveal the things I need to improve on, things I need to stop doing.
Today I prayed about my job. Should I keep it? Should I find another? Should I stay home for a while? Direct questions because I was praying for a direct answer, even if it’s scary or life altering. The one answer that came with clarity was yes…to leaving my job. And you know what I felt? Peace. Relief that there’s finally a light at the end of this tunnel. I can breathe again!
I realized I dread going to work. I love my staff, would do anything for them. But the management role, I dread. I wake up every morning and want to sleep. Not go in. I don’t want to come back from this vacation because it means that I have to go back to work. Back to the reality of responsibilities I no longer want. Accountability I no longer desire. I realized that a successful career doesn’t measure up to God’s glory. There is no comparison, and my heart knows it.
Does that sound selfish? I’m sure some of my relief is selfish. I wouldn’t have to worry about staffing, no more write-ups, no more terminations, no longer having to be the person that delivers changes or makes difficult decisions. There is definitely a selfish piece. But I am tired. Tired of feeling drained. Tired of knowing that I am not giving 100% to my family, not giving 100% to God. When I can sit at home and read the Bible, pray, listen to worship music, be present with family, that is when I feel good. I feel relaxed, and like I can accomplish anything because God is there. Jesus is there. Family is there. At work there is no protection, no spiritual support.
So then comes the next question: if I need to leave my job, what is my next step? The easy one is resignation. Give my notice and I’m finally free right? Wrong. There are so many unknowns. What about bills? What about the car payment, credit card debt, student loan debt? What was the point of getting my degree if I’m not using it? Do I find a job where my degree applies? Is that what God has for me? We’re about to have a baby. What about insurance? Medical bills?
I know God will provide. He always does. I just need to have faith and remain steadfast in the knowledge that He is here for me, for my family, and will provide. But man, it’s so hard.
So I pray.
Answered prayer on October 3, 2023:
I was praying to God. Practicing meditation actually, in the hopes that I will develop the skill of discerning God’s voice and listen to Him speak life into me. I have spent the last several months asking the same question, “What should my career look like? What do you have in store for me?”
Pretty silly questions right? Am I really asking God to tell me my future, like I would somehow be the exception? My answers were always, “wait, be patient. I have great things for you, but you need to be ready.” So I started practicing patience and waiting. Man, has that been hard!
Last week I made the decision to practice meditating in prayer. To really listen and discern God’s voice, so I can get in the habit of spending time alone with Him. Last week, I didn’t ask any questions; I sat in silence while Quinn was at her piano lesson. I didn’t hear anything from God, but I felt an immense feeling of peace afterwards. Like that was exactly what I needed to do, and the contentment from that is a feeling I hope everyone gets to experience.
Today I prayed and didn’t ask any questions. In fact, I said, “I will not ask any questions today Lord. I just want to listen.” And that is when God said, “Ask, I want you to ask and receive.” So I asked, “What should I do for my career? What do you have planned?”
“Ministry”
It took me a few seconds to comprehend that. I know I am not meant to lead a church, so I was thinking about what was meant by “ministry”. There are a few ways to interpret that. Instead of pondering I asked what He meant. And I heard “women’s ministry”.
I am still not sure what that means. And so, I pray.
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ~ Matthew 7:7
Journal Entry on October 7, 2024:
I was listening to a podcast about hearing God’s voice. She mentioned that everyone hears God differently. For example, God has never spoken to her by voice; it has never been audible, but her heart and soul will feel a very intense feeling. She can feel her spirit being called to do what He has for her. I think that is so cool! As for me, God has chosen an audible voice to help me discern His voice from others. He truly does meet us where we are, speaking to us in His own way, always in the details!
Anyway, this speaker was sharing a very cool story about waking up at a specific time, and realizing that the specific time, the numbers, had a biblical representation about what she was going through. I was reflecting on this; how important numbers are, and also how awesome it was that God used time to speak to her. I mean, who thinks of these things?! God does, that’s who!
Last night, I woke up with a strong urge to check the time. I guess I would say I was more curious. I had been waking up the last few nights, not getting good sleep and feeling restless. And it always seemed I was waking up at the same hour. This time, I checked the time. It was 11:18 p.m. Hmm, I thought, I wonder if these numbers have a significant meaning in my life. Is God trying to speak to me in this way as well, or is it just because I listened to the podcast? Am I trying to find meaning in the meaningless, desperately longing for an answer from God? (Because at this point, I knew God wanted me to leave my job, but that was over 1 year ago! How long does a gal have wait, right?! “Patience, trust me.” That was the repeated guidance I had been receiving from God over the last year.)
I acknowledged that I was feeling desperate. Desperately wanting to know why I haven’t found the perfect job that will allow me to homeschool the way I want. Desperately wondering if I am really willing to follow God’s plan for me, or if, once again, I am forcefully paving the way for myself and forcing what I think God’s plan should be. (It is so easy to get caught up in yourself, isn’t it? Notice all the I’s? Searching for perfection, which isn’t possible, but on my terms.)
Is that why I am restless? Why I feel restless and aching in my spirit? Am I not being obedient? Did I miss something? (Self-doubt – something Satan uses against all of us. Especially when we are actively choosing God!)
So I questioned whether I should investigate the meanings behind 11 and 18. 11:18 p.m. Why did I look at the time? I felt a longing, a desire to know what those numbers meant. So I started researching. What was interesting was that each number had two meanings, and the meanings were (or appeared to be) opposites of each other.
The number 11:
- Often linked to events of rebellion & judgment.
- Represents a diving revelation that imparts wisdom and insight, linked to moments of transition and revelation, serving as a guide through periods of change.
- Serves as a reminder to seek deeper meanings and messages that God reveals in our lives.
I can feel in my spirit that something significant, a transition, is about to happen. The time is NOW, and I was filled with excitement! There is something wonderful at my fingertips.
I have been having vivid dreams lately. One in particular: I am driving around, always having somewhere to go, but never reaching my destination before I was driving somewhere else again. Another had to do with my children; I do not remember details, but it is a repeated dream. (I still remember a dream I had years ago, before Quinn was born. A little blonde boy, no more than three years old, is standing at our window upstairs, looking outside. He was looking out the window that is now…our son’s room. I love that I remember this dream clearly; it is so encouraging to remember how gracious God is. Always showing love and reassuring us that what He has for us is SO GOOD!)
Fun fact: Joseph was Jacob’s 11th son, with the gift of dream interpretation. If you haven’t read the story of Joseph, I highly recommend it!
The number 18:
- Symbolizes bondage, time, chance, and the word of God. Also symbolizes unfinished growth.
- Often associated with blessing, abundance, and good fortune.
- Represents the union of God’s will and material world. Also represents both harmony and oppression, life and judgment. (Revelation associates 18 with judgment and destruction.)
- Associate with new beginnings and the start of a journey, restoration and completeness.
Am I about to embark on a new journey? Can I turn away from my old life, my old self, and begin anew?
And so, I pray.
For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ~ Matthew 7:8
It is now May 3, 2025. As I am typing this, I am just so grateful for God’s patience with me, and His grace. Over the past (almost) two years, I struggled with self-doubt, feelings of defeat, discouragement, and unworthiness. I questioned whether I was following the path God had for me. If I messed up along the way, bad enough that I was no longer “allowed” on the path. But I remained obedient, trusting in Him and putting God and Jesus first. Because of God’s mercy and the love He has for me, for ALL OF US, I am now looking at a different life. And man, it is SO AMAZING. I can’t even describe the feeling in my heart. Just…pure, fulfilled JOY.
I found a new job. A great one where I can work from home with flexible hours. We have been homeschooling every day for the last month, and I have woken up every morning with my spirit at peace, content, and so thankful. The waiting was hard, but it was beyond worth any vision I may have had for my life. Our family is at peace. I have a husband who works hard and provides, and comes home to a loving house with happy children and a devoted wife. Days with my children are spent with love and enjoyment, sprinkled with some fun and humor of course 
THANK YOU LORD. For being patient, kind, gentle, and continuing to show up when I needed you, and when I didn’t think I did. Thank you for your unconditional love, for allowing us to see just how blessed we can be in this earthly life 
God is so FAITHFUL. If you can open your heart to trusting Him, He can open so many wonderful doors that are better than you can imagine. He keeps His promises, and He has promised that His purpose for our lives is greater than we think. Until next time, I will pray.
